Remember

In one sense, it's amazing.  God has provided house cleaning jobs, babysitting, dog sitting.  I've sold paintings, records, books.  I've even received a couple checks in the mail, which is remarkable!  He told me back at the school of worship,

I will make a way for you.

But it's been hard.  Hard to trust.  When I look at deadlines, I see death.  You know what I mean.  When I see that between my car insurance and my car payment it is going to cost me $500/mo. , those two bills ALONE are enough to start adding stones to my chest.

I will make a way.

But I've only got three weeks now.  Not enough time to get a job here in Indy, but I need to make money.  Quandary?  Opportunity?  Which way is up?  And once in California- I am in need of a job.  Desperately.  Quandary?  Opportunity?  Which way is up?

I will make a way.

But the bills!!!  If I didn't have the bills it would be so much easier to trust you.  Car insurance, School Loans, Car payment, Credit Cards, Hospital Bills.  I am drowning God.  I am drowning.

I will make a way.  I have always made a way for you.

And then to find out yesterday that one of my nearest and dearest, most beloved friends have stopped believing in you, Jesus.  How?!  His heart is so hard, so callous, and bitter.  He says he is not mad at Christians but then where and why is this bitterness that coats his words?  I could barely speak or respond.  It had felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest.  My words exiting with the air in my lungs. One of my dearest friends.

I said the first thing that came to my mind, "That would be so sad...I can't imagine it.  To stop believing in God, I would be so depressed. How terrible life would be without him."

He got upset, said it was funny I would say that.  Said he hasn't changed.  But I know that he is depressed, and its true...he hasn't changed.  He's always been depressed.  But I also think he's never really met Jesus.  I don't think he could stop believing if he had truly met Jesus...if he had truly KNOWN him and KNOWN his nature.  When he talks about God, he says all these things that are simply not true about God.  Like he did not know him at all.

I may be poor.  But I am rich in His love and in His nature.  I know him.  I know him and nothing else matters.  Nothing can touch me.  Not really.

I am safe in Him...and that is why I grieve for my friend.  Because he does not even know what that feels like and he should.  He was BORN to feel the love of God.  He was MADE for it.  He said he couldn't understand that if God was SO full of love how he could make half of his creation to be condemned to hell.  I told him God doesn't want anyone to go to hell.  He argued that if it was their "choice" and they never knew God then isn't God condemning them to hell??

Sometimes I don't have the words to say.

So here I am... worried about money... KNOWING the truth that God can provide, but still weak in my faith and my belief that he will and does.  EVEN THOUGH HE TRULY ALWAYS HAS....

And I finally get it.  How my friend could forget.

Because we do forget.  The Israelites and the disciples are proof of that.  Even when God miraculously intervenes time and time again, we forget.  We forget our ebenezers.

So here I am... the richest I've ever been.

Sometimes we all need to remember who we are and WHOSE we are.