Scandalous, Wild Hope

Tenderness is terrifying. The risk of vulnerability and being truly seen and seeing others clearly is a scandalous hope that hurts. Like a sharp intake of brackish water into lungs built for sky.

I cannot bear it.

I step into the light but I keep my eyes squeezed tight. You can’t see me if I can’t see you.

I feel your hand brush my hand but I pretend that I don’t.

I feel your eyes search mine, but I avert my gaze.

Your tenderness reaches out, looking for a heart to touch and I pull my lapel up to guard my neck.

I send my intentions from behind a curtain, hoping to be regarded but safely from a distance.

I can’t respond to any hint you give of tenderness even when I want to! I simply never developed the muscle to. I don’t even know how to try.

Instead, I wait. For what? Assurance of safety? Transparency of intent? Some guarantee?

We all wait with bated breath.

Build up walls no man (or woman) can scale- walls of unrealistic ideals and falsified hopes. Excuses to guard from disappointment and rejection. From things not working out one more time. From hoping again and watching those hopes turn to dust...

Jesus, tear down my walls. These monuments I’ve built to validate the lies I have believed protect me.  Teach me how to receive your tenderness so that I can receive the tenderness of others. So I can give tenderness freely from my heart, without fear. And without hesitation.

I want to speak all of the languages of love, Jesus. I want to speak them in all the ways- softly, loudly. I want to love so fiercely and so bravely that people feel loved even just sitting in the silence with me, in the dark of night under a star-filled sky. I want to breathe love- in and out. I want it to pour from my eyes and from my lips. I want to be known as someone who loves like you do.

And I want to be able to receive love with the same ferocity. With the same open arms. With the same fearless, brave and wild hope that YOU love.

You are never scared to love with all you have and to open your heart wide to receive us.

Even when we hurt your vulnerability and your exposed heart. Even when we reject you and defile and mock your love.

Still you are both relentless and patient. Both pursuing and steady. Calm and wild. You are the storm of the calm.

I want to be just like you. Teach and empower me how to love and live like you. Increase my faith and my brave heart and my wild hope.